Baby Hughie

It has been a very long time since I have thought of Baby Hughie.  The mother/infant system is obvious and completely visible in orangutans.  Birute Galdikas continues to be my teacher from afar.  I studied Anthropology in depth as a college student.  Much of what I studied didn't sink in, as I had just relinquished my son to adoption.  I wonder what happened to Hughie.  I will have to find out.  Just a few days ago a new mother that works in my local market told me that her pediatrician said not to worry about leaving the baby when she returned to work.  The mother was beside herself with grief in leaving her baby.  The doctor told her that this will help the baby deal with the separation inherent in life.  I enlightened her.  I told her about the mother/infant system and to be with her baby as much as she wants and can.  She was relieved.    I see that some professionals are still disseminating false information.  Hughie needed to be with his mother or surrogate mother around the clock.  I am waking up to the tragic, subtle coercion of adoption as it occurred in my life.

Here's the entry for now:  from The Gift Wrapped in Sorrow, 1999

May 22nd

Relinquishing a child sets the stage

 for a lifetime of longings and sorrow

I think back to the conventional wisdom of the sixties. It didn’t support our humanity. It’s not within the scope of our humanity to separate children from their parents without first exploring every possible alternative. I like to think that both my son and I could have weathered the challenges facing me at that time. I could have dealt with the trials as well, especially if the social system supported those areas that were not in my realm of experience.

Relinquishment is inherently distressing to all involved. It does not support the natural unfolding of the life process. It interrupts the most significant bond that exists between humans. Anthropologists and primatologists have spent lifetimes delving into the bond between primates. Recently I had the opportunity of watching one of the most eminent scholars of primates,Birute Galdikas, (Orangutans,In The Wild, May 20, 1999 PBS). She provides surrogate parenting for orphaned orangutans. Watching the exchanges between mother and infant show us the magnificent cord that unites mother to child, regardless of the specie. These primates clearly illustrate the depth of the maternal essence. If, as speculated, we are truly evolved, advanced beings, would it not then follow that we would acknowledge and protect the most sacred aspect of our humanity?

Relinquishing a child sets the stage for a lifetime of longings and sorrow. This is the natural and normal human response. We are among the few groups of living beings who spend our entire lives intertwined with our children. Each Mother’s Day, one of my very dear friends celebrates her family. Four generations gather together to honor mothers, children, and their precious gift of loving one another. Great-grandmother, grandmother, mother, and children come together to express the joy of sharing life, love, and one another. Those of us who have relinquished a child have severed the thread that ultimately weaves, whether with intent or not, the most exquisite fabric we call family.

I regret my unawareness. I regret the moments lost. I’m thinking of baby Hughie, the orphaned orangutan. He is so vulnerable, so dependent. Watching these primates lets us really understand the maternal bond. These beings, mother and child, are inseparable for four years, but for the first six months the nurturing is constant. It seems the sole purpose of existence at this time is for the mother primate to protect and provide for her child. I watched Hughie as he reached out to the human surrogate. I was so sorry he couldn’t be with his mother. The deprivation was so visible. So many Hughie’s in this rain forest. My heart is heavy with the knowledge of these infant primates separated from the most natural and sustaining part of their lives. I am filled with the grief of my separation from my infant son.

The surrogate mothers who nurtured Hughie were so loving and giving, but I wanted him to have the gift of his mother’s love. With rare exception, I believe that is the best of all possible choices. For Hughie, and for us all.