Saturday, November 27, 2010

Finding words is tough today.  I am in the throes of first mother grief and gratitude.  I am in the surreal cloud of reunion.  When does reunion officially happen?  Was it the first day I found my son?  The first photograph?  Phone call?  Birthday email?  Is it the actual first moment of being together, face to face, seeing my son's face for the first time in decades?  Today this seems real and unreal.  When I first found my son in 1998, some of the literature said I could hope to be his friend.  Now the literature tells me I am his mother.  One of them.  Finally the resonance of truth.  Of course, I am his mother!  Some experts say he and others long to find their mother, long to be with her, that in so doing, his life will be better.  I am all for that.  As a birthmother in 1963 I bought what I was told.  I followed.  I did what I was told.  Today I use intuition as my guide.  What will be the next step?  How will I forgive my unknowing, unintentional decision to abandon my child?  One moment at a time.  Breath by breath.  Making peace with what is.  Making peace with that sweet 18/19 year old Jane and her innocent trust in those guiding and arranging an intolerable goodbye.

 from...the gift wrapped in sorrow, 1999

April 21st
The only hope for our finding one another is through forgiveness.
This is my constant wish and prayer.

Dear M.,

Tonight it feels like you are a dream.  Most of my life has been spent without knowing you.  This past year has brought you so close and this has allowed the most incredible joy for me.  But in this moment of so much turmoil in the outer world, I feel as if I have created you in my imagination.

I anguish for the world today.  For the horror of far-away suffering and for the tragedy of Columbine.  I think about A..  Today he's safe.  The world in which he'll become a child, then adolescent, then young man is so frightening.  He is innocent and fragile.  I trust you will teach him to be wise in the world, to watch out for strangers but to trust his heart in matters of love. 

These past weeks have been very painful in my life.  My older sister's son has died.  This was sudden, shocking, frightening and brought deep sadness to us all.  This incident will change, forever, the course of her life.  Surrendering you has changed, forever, the course of my life.
And it has changed yours as well.  I think of my sister, Barbara, and how everyday will be shadowed by the hues of her sorrow.  Every holiday, every special life event will be colored by her son's absence.  She and I are truly sisters in sorrow.  Her joy regarding her son will be found in memories carried in her heart.  I trust that my joy will come.  It will come from your phone call or letter and will spill forth, immeasurably, the day that I see you.

I work daily at forgiving myself.  All healing ultimately is about forgiveness.  It is what will allow our hearts to mend, to become whole, to allow for the joyous expression of our lives.  The only hope for our finding one another is through forgiveness.  This is my constant wish and prayer.

With Love,

No comments:

Post a Comment